I don’t even know what to title this

This last couple of days have been a nightmare. I will be honest and say that I have felt like I am living in a personal hell.

My aunt Sharon, whom I have gotten close to this last couple of years passed away on the 17th from ovarian cancer. I feel like I am living in a detached body, just a shell. It’s hard to even function, let alone blog.

While my head knows she is gone, my heart is still searching for this to not be real. I can’t sleep, I can barely eat. The days don’t even seem the same. It is almost like I am walking around in a fog.

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My aunt was the kind of person that everyone, even myself, should be. I never heard a judgmental word come out of her mouth, as she welcomed everyone into her life with open arms. She was the most kind, gentle and amazing woman I have ever met. I feel like I could talk to her about anything and she was always there to validate me, lift me up, encourage me and inspire me.

To be completely honest, the days she passed, I was angry at God. I couldn’t understand why he would not heal her from her cancer that she fought courageously all the way to the end.  I admit, I am still completely puzzled as to why he chose not to heal her, and I may never understand it, but I have started to realize how precious life is and how I was blessed to even have her to begin with. She was my angel.

I remember the last time I spent time with her, around Christmas, she was not feeling well and my husband and I made the trip 2 hours away without calling because she was the kind of person that didn’t want people fussing over her, so I didn’t want to call and let her know we wanted to see her so she wouldn’t have the chance to tell us no. As I sat there in her kitchen, she cried and told me she was scared. She told me she was afraid to die. I held her hand and prayed with her just as I had when she was in the hospital after her hysterectomy. I then noticed she had some nail polish on her table and asked her if she wanted a manicure. I sat there, at her kitchen table, painting her small fingernails, and told her over and over again how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. My cousin, David, was making chilli and they ran out of seasoning, so I quickly swooped in to try to remedy that with my culinary skills. See, I had promised a while back that I would make her Marsala Chicken and I never got the chance. I wanted to cook for her, even if it was just helping out in the kitchen.

When it was time to say goodbye, I hugged her and didn’t want to let her go. I had a feeling this would be the last time I got to hold her in my arms. All the way home, I cried.

We had her cremated and as a family, we are going to sprinkle her ashes in a favorite outdoor spot in the spring. I love you Aunt Sharon. My heart will take time to heal from the loss of you and the world is missing one of it’s angels, but heaven gained another one.

 

 

7 Comment

  1. I am sending you over some virtual love and hugs. I understand what it is like to go through something like this. I have been thinking about my aunt who was my angel. I loved, still love her so much that it makes my heart ache. She was an amazing woman who brought my extended family together and ever since the loss of her it hasn’t been the same and I haven’t seen many family members I used to see because of her. She lived through years of battling breast cancer and made jokes all the way to the end about anything and everything. Even at the end she found fun, and good things from the cancer. She said she was finally able to have any hair color or cut she had ever wanted through the wigs she wore. Your aunt like mine will always be remembered and as hard as it is you will be able to think about her and not cry, eventually.
    Ashley Pomykala recently posted..Top Ten Teacher Count Down {Won’t Back Down on Blue-Ray}My Profile

    1. Thank you Ashley. Right now, I feel like I am just going through the motions. I feel almost numb and it all feels so unreal. I know with time, I will heal, but it’s just so hard right now.

  2. Beautifully written Christine. My thoughts are with you & like I said I so wish I was just a tad bit closer so I could help you more. You have been in my thoughts since that day and will continue to be so. *big hugs*
    Angie Agerter recently posted..Palmolive Fresh Infusions – First ImpressionMy Profile

    1. Thank you Angie. I appreciate your caring even if you are far.

  3. so sorry you’re going thru this you have been in my prayers and sending you lots of telepathic hugs and love. 🙂 hang in there. God will get you thru this.

  4. I am soooo sorry to read that your sweet aunt had such a struggle and has passed.
    My dearest sister in Christ died of ovarian cancer in 2006. At the time my husband and I were recuperating from a head on collision and I could not drive up to the NC mt’s to be with her. I saddened me so, I just sat on the bathroom floor and cried and cried. Why would the Lord take her? Such a strong servant and witness for Him. Such a giver and a woman of faith who shared the message of Jesus wherever she went. She was such a mentor for me. What would I do without her? I realized that the Lord blessed me by placing her on my path in life, and He loved her also and wanted her to come to her eternal home to be with Him now. I pray your heart will be mended, knowing He is a loving Father who loves us so much that He too longs to have us closer to Him. May the sweet peace of God flow over you, dear sister in Christ.

    1. Thank you for your words, Jo. I really appreciate them.

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