This last couple of days have been a nightmare. I will be honest and say that I have felt like I am living in a personal hell.
My aunt Sharon, whom I have gotten close to this last couple of years passed away on the 17th from ovarian cancer. I feel like I am living in a detached body, just a shell. It’s hard to even function, let alone blog.
While my head knows she is gone, my heart is still searching for this to not be real. I can’t sleep, I can barely eat. The days don’t even seem the same. It is almost like I am walking around in a fog.
My aunt was the kind of person that everyone, even myself, should be. I never heard a judgmental word come out of her mouth, as she welcomed everyone into her life with open arms. She was the most kind, gentle and amazing woman I have ever met. I feel like I could talk to her about anything and she was always there to validate me, lift me up, encourage me and inspire me.
To be completely honest, the days she passed, I was angry at God. I couldn’t understand why he would not heal her from her cancer that she fought courageously all the way to the end. I admit, I am still completely puzzled as to why he chose not to heal her, and I may never understand it, but I have started to realize how precious life is and how I was blessed to even have her to begin with. She was my angel.
I remember the last time I spent time with her, around Christmas, she was not feeling well and my husband and I made the trip 2 hours away without calling because she was the kind of person that didn’t want people fussing over her, so I didn’t want to call and let her know we wanted to see her so she wouldn’t have the chance to tell us no. As I sat there in her kitchen, she cried and told me she was scared. She told me she was afraid to die. I held her hand and prayed with her just as I had when she was in the hospital after her hysterectomy. I then noticed she had some nail polish on her table and asked her if she wanted a manicure. I sat there, at her kitchen table, painting her small fingernails, and told her over and over again how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. My cousin, David, was making chilli and they ran out of seasoning, so I quickly swooped in to try to remedy that with my culinary skills. See, I had promised a while back that I would make her Marsala Chicken and I never got the chance. I wanted to cook for her, even if it was just helping out in the kitchen.
When it was time to say goodbye, I hugged her and didn’t want to let her go. I had a feeling this would be the last time I got to hold her in my arms. All the way home, I cried.
We had her cremated and as a family, we are going to sprinkle her ashes in a favorite outdoor spot in the spring. I love you Aunt Sharon. My heart will take time to heal from the loss of you and the world is missing one of it’s angels, but heaven gained another one.